Emily’s Blog

Before I get too far into anything, a brief explanation on the title. For those of you old web nerds you probably recognize the slang term for “everything/nothing”. It is a general description for blogs, livejournal entries and messageboard posts that mean everything to the poster and nothing to the intended audience. Long ago, in a galaxy far away when the internet was inhabited by angst ridden teens and 20-somethings it became the electronic diary of sorts. The airing of grievances was a fairly common practice.

This is a five year anniversary of sorts. After graduating high school I headed out towards Pittsburgh and started on an adventure I won’t soon forget. I spent about an hour this evening reminiscing as I reviewed some of my old writing still posted on the internet. I thought about where I was in life five years ago and decided that although on the surface things appear quite different inside I feel very much the same. The past week has been filled with chain smoking and pensiveness. I haven’t had an alcohol since Sunday night and I’m proud of myself since I needed to dry out a bit. I don’t have any problems with alcohol abuse, but I recognize when I’m doing something because I feel like I need to instead of want to. That’s always a good time to stop for a bit.

I feel as though my relationship with myself has become more intimate and I’m much better at recognizing changes in my mood and behavior. I’ve felt strained the past few days, trying to prove that I’m no longer something I was only to discover that tigers don’t really change their stripes. The next stage will be an acceptance of how I am and over time I will grow to love and cherish these flaws as I have others in the past.

The holidays are never easy for me, especially when morale is as low as the funds. This year I seem especially apathetic and I’m making an effort to embrace the holiday spirit. I’ve been very scattered and find it increasingly difficult to take even 20 minutes to sit and write. I write little bits here and there throughout the day, but when I pull out the scraps of paper tucked in the deepest pouch of my purse they always seem to lose their magic. Again I’m trying to convince myself that a change of hair color or location is all I need to start again and feel more stable, but I’m not an idiot.

Before I turn in for the night, I leave you with a bit of old poetry written in October of 2004:

Dear Dan,
I find your use of avoidance
and silence
as a coping mechanism to be
(for lack of a better term)
irresponsible.

Months have past
and the memory of our
“youthful indiscretion”
remains, but it shouldn’t keep you
from at least saying,
“hi”.

I realize the chance
of our regaining the
friendship we had is
slim.

I think it would be nice, though
to refer to you as something
more than just a
close, personal
acquaintance.

If and when you decide
the coast is clear.

And the idea of
contacting me
becomes less of an idle threat
and more
of a pleasant notion…
Feel free to call.

I’m sure you’ve still got my number.
Somewhere.

Hello friends, old and new.

I am sorry it’s been so long since I’ve updated this blog. As much as I’d like to say I’ve not been impacted by this nationwide economic downturn, things are a little rough around the edges right now. I do have a great and steady job that I really enjoy doing. Unfortunately, I’m still recovering from the mono infection I had last year and when flu season rolled around I found myself back at square one. It seems like every little bug floating around the office goes straight to me. Having to take time off work to rest means earning less money. Right now, with my husband in school, I’ve been paying most of our bills. Stressful much?

As always life has been a rollercoaster. I find myself feeling exhilarated and energized by new artistic projects I’d like to take on. A friend of mine has recently inspired me to get in touch with my artistic side and perhaps use that as an outlet for some of the myriad emotions I deal with regularly. Some new opportunities have presented themselves and I’m feeling pretty comfortable with my new group of friends. Don and I will be travelling to New Jersey and New York next month on a mini-tour for a musical side project of his. All this band practice inspired me to pick up my bass again and my fingers are sore from playing so much.

I’ve been having a hard time focusing on anything for extended periods of time lately. The stress of our current financial burdens, recent changes in the workplace, and the approaching holidays was making me increasingly reclusive. I’m working on getting out more because it’s healthier for me. I will attempt to get on here more often and make more updates, but alas I make no promises.

Here’s hoping that the upcoming new year will bring better health, increased wealth, and happiness that I can share with others.

Oh boy. Life has been quite hectic since I last made a post here. Ever stop and think about how much you’ve accomplished in so little time? Sometimes it feels like there’s so much to do and not enough time to do it in! I consider myself to be pretty industrious with a tendency to bite off more than I can chew. I thought that by joining the gym at work and starting to eat healthier I’d feel better about myself and start to look better, too. Unfortunately the mild head cold I thought I picked up from the treadmill turned out to be a nasty case of strep throat. So much for healthy! I haven’t been to the gym in almost a week, but then again rest is probably the better option right now. Thanks to some wise solicited advice from an old friend, I’ve discovered “the cure”. Now, for the 21 + crowd I highly recommend this throat soothing method as it’s helped me to sleep for the past 4 nights. The only down side is it makes you a little sleepy and definitely impairs your ability to operate any type of machinery or drive. So please, don’t try this at work and definitely use common sense when deciding your dosage!

1 shot bourbon (I prefer Jim Beam Red Stag, a little sweeter than others)
1 quater wedge fresh lemon
2 tablespoons honey
(for the daring) 1 dash cayenne pepper

Top bourbon with boiling water, add honey lemon and pepper (optional).
Allow to cool slightly, so as not to burn yourself, and enjoy! I found this goes well with bubble baths, or while reading.

This is probably the longest period of time I have gone without speaking out loud. As most people who know me will tell you I am a bit of a talker once you get me started.

Stay tuned for future updates, and if you live in North Carolina watch for updates about our upcoming speaking engagement!

Until then I’ll be in bed with a good book in my hands and a thermometer under my tongue.

A lot has transpired since the last update. I was so busy over the weekend I didn’t get a chance to sit down and write. The past few days have been full of joy and sorrow as we welcomed a new member to our family and lost a friend.

I was in Lexington, Kentucky over the weekend to welcome my aunt’s partner Reba into our family. Candace and Reba had a lovely small ceremony at the home of Reba’s aunt and uncle. The weather was perfect and it was lovely to meet the extended Jones family. With much love I am pleased to announce I have two beautiful aunties who I am so proud of!

Although this weekend we gained a family member, we lost a friend. Christine had just turned 23 in July and was found by her sisters on Monday having died of a heroin overdose. I would like to think that drug use among my circle of friends is uncommon and rare, but in reality I’m sure it is not. I had known that Christine struggled with some drug issues in the past, and over the last year we had all sort of gone our separate ways. In retrospect I feel like we failed her. Although I know there’s nothing any of us could have done for her to stop her from choosing to use heroin, I feel like we could have made ourselves more available and not backed away when could have helped her make better decisions. My deepest sympathies and condolences go out to Walter, Jerm, Jess and Dana in their time of need. I hope that they find comfort in knowing that Christine has left wonderful memories with all everyone whose lives she touched.

I was planning on writing about travel anxiety, but for once I didn’t experience any. Most of the trip was spent sleeping in the back seat. Oh well. That’s one of the downsides, you can’t really plan bipolar behavior, it sort of comes and goes on it’s own…

Hello all!

Sorry for the lack of a Monday update. We just now got the wireless working again on the laptop. I’m still getting the knack of Linux. I haven’t used it since 7th grade.

I’ll e bringing you a much more detailed update on the road when I head down to Kentucky for my aunt Candace’s wedding this weekend. When I can sneak a few moments in the hotel, I’ll discuss travel anxiety and how I managed to cope with it once again.

Until then… Soul, peace, and chicken grease!

My father often references my ability to remember the nursery rhyme “Betty Botter” from quite a young age. Another nursery rhyme comes to mind today, a less common rhyme about the Duke of York. I’ll quote the first part here:

The Grand old Duke of York
He had a thousand men
He marched them up the hill
And he marched them down again

And when you’re up, you’re up
And when you’re down, you’re down
And when you’re only half way up
You’re neither up, nor down

That “chorus”, if that’s what we can call it, describes Bipolar disorder succinctly. Today is a neither up nor down day. Work was not terribly exciting. The evening was spent preparing a pork roast for dinner, and folding laundry before it cooled and wrinkled. That’s most nights, for me. All right, perhaps I don’t make quiche every night. I remain in a positive mindset though, I feel accomplished and good about myself. Like the rhyme says, though, when you’re only halfway “up” you’re neither up nor down. That’s how you can tell a good day from a manic day, I think. If you don’t feel exasperated and spastic, just pleasantly perky.

I find, often, that when I’m neither up nor down I long to feel either mania or depression. Perhaps mania more than depression. Things seem so… ordinary when you’re in between. I envy the energy and enthusiasm of mania and miss the melancholy pensiveness of depression.

I apologize for not providing a better update last week. My job is in peak season and works days seem shorter but more intense when the work load increases. It’s hard to sit down and make an update to the blog when I hardly get time to process my thoughts for myself.

I apologize for leaving this so short, but better short and sweet than long and bitter.

My father and I will be speaking in North Carolina in October and I’ll be posting more details as soon as possible!

Questions? Comments? e-mail me at emily@ducttapeandwd40.com

You’re all probably wondering where last weeks update went. Well, I thought I had made one, but alas it is not posted. The laptop I use to maintain the blog and emily@ducttapeandwd40.com e-mail address just underwent an Operating System upgrade. We are now Microsoft free and running Linux Kubuntu (Jaunty Jackalope distro)! This is very exciting for me, as I love open source programs and prefer to work in a non-Windows, non-OSX environment. Unfortunately during the overhall we had some problems getting our preferred web browser (Mozilla Firefox) installed correctly and Konqueror just wasn’t doing the job right. So now, 6 days late and $6 short, I have access to the administration again and will be providing a much more thorough and entertaining update tomorrow.

To be honest, I sat down to write this about 20 minutes ago and was immediately distracted by the newest Lady Gaga music video. You’re probably thinking I’d focus better if I’d just shut off the television… It’s just not so, I’m afraid. If I did that all I’d hear would be the creaking of the computer desk chair my husband is occupying, the sound of the cat wheezing (recovering from an upper respiratory infection), or perhaps the shuffling feet of my upstairs neighbor who bears close resemblance to Dog the Bounty Hunter. Instead I’ll settle for some vintage Tori Amos in the background; some performance video from the Montreaux Jazz Festival, where ever/when ever that was.

I can’t tell you any specific moment or day I knew that something was different. People always want to talk about the day I tried to end my life. In retrospect it’s so trivial to me. I have a very difficult time understanding why other people think it’s so grand that I can stand up and talk about doing something I feel (now) was incredibly stupid. How many 13 year old girls want to die after being dumped by their first boyfriend? Life seemed excessively complicated. Middle School was a pressure cooker and home life was probably just as intense. Asking how and why I felt during puberty is like asking a recovered junkie what life was like when they were on drugs. The older I get the more detached I feel from that time period.

I feel like a different person now, but I have yet to figure out how I “did it”. I’m not cured, and I’m certainly not well, but always doing better. I now take just one pill to help manage my anxiety, whereas a decade ago I was on 5+ different medications, all clouding an already hazy mind. Perhaps it’s a matter of my own micro-managing personality. It takes a dedication, even borderline obsession, with your current state of being to manage a mental illness as successfully as I am. I can feel now when the tides are changing, shifting from mania to depression. Now I look at it almost like an art form just to be bipolar and when I’m neither up nor down I can’t wait to feel either again, like an adventure. I’ve come to look at my “illness” as a gift; allowing me to view the world with my kaleidoscope mind. As Tolkein wrote:

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

Glancing up from the laptop screen, I’m stealing a moment to watch Tori Amos perform. It’s hard not to pay attention to, the woman is practically making love to a gorgeous Steinway & Sons piano. If you’ve never seen her perform, I suggest you hop on YouTube right now and look up “Tori Amos + Precious Things + Soundstage 03 Live in Chicago” and you’ll know what I mean. I find her intensity and passion incredibly inspirational. So inspirational I need to get away from this laptop for now…

Until next week, my friends. Take care!

I will begin a weekly update, starting with Monday of next week. Weekly posts will be made on Monday or Wednesday evenings, so keep an eye out!

My primary purpose is to share with everyone a glimpse into the bipolar life. There may be more frequent, spontaneous updates as I see fit.

I haven’t been on hiatus so much as at a loss. It’s been many years since I’ve owned a well-maintained blog and with the narcissism of youth having faded it’s difficult to decide what of my week is worth sharing. I sometimes struggle with the idea of what I’ve accomplished being important to anyone. For me it’s still a struggle and I fail to see how far I’ve come sometimes.

Before I go for now, I’d like to offer my condolences to the family & friends of Stuart Bingham, a coworker of me. Stu passed away this past weekend, the result of an accident involving a careless drunk driver. We hear these stories so often that we forget how much it hurts when it happens to those we know and love. Stu will be greatly missed by everyone who knew him.

Welcome back, to those who are following this. I want to dredge up a little something from the past here. Not for lack of creativity, but I haven’t had much time to make updates lately. There are a lot of things going on: planning for the NAMI National Conference in San Francisco**, looking at buying a home, union votes on furloughs at work… I won’t bore you with all the tedium.

After a lengthy discussion with my therapist I’ve decided to go off of my trusty sleeping pill, Temazepam. It was never intended for long term use, and the formulary my insurance company had set up was causing the pharmacy to dispense them in odd quantities anyway. That being said I have some anxiety about this “rebound insomnia” that is possible. When I get anxious, I often write short stories or private blog entries for myself. I used to journal, but I’d cramp my hands and I like the security of knowing I can delete that which I don’t approve of in hindsight. I know, that defeats the purpose of the journaling.

The following post is a “cross-post” from my MySpace blog. I wrote it back in October of 2007 when I had just started at my job. I was feeling an immense amount of pressure and anxiety, especially since my last career ended on a sour note.  With all that being said, I give you an example of anxiety induced writing:

“I’ll say this to you like I’d say it to a therapist. Because you’re both as likely to dole out the good pills.

I, uh, don’t know what’s going on right now. Well, strike that. I do. But it’s all highly disorganized and I think I might need to reconfigure. Reprioritize. Something to that effect. I know what’s going on. I hate not having money and I hate owing things to people, companies, you know. I thought we (the Royal We) were good. I was fairly certain of this, yes. There were some hard times there and I’m through that. I think I need to talk to some people and tell them how I feel, but I don’t think it will come off as being very coherent. I’m not feeling very coherent. I’m feeling, well, I don’t know. Unheimlich. Doesn’t translate into English well, but I think you know that I know what it means.

What I’m trying to say is, I haven’t lost it. I’m standing on the event horizon and I can see where it can all go. There is a lot of pressure on me to perform well right now, and I think I’m going to need some more of that Ambien if I want to sleep at night.

I’m tense. Did I tell you I was tense? I can feel it in my jaw like sucking on Warheads. I know tomorrow is Thursday. I know that after tomorrow I will breathe easier and I have so much to say but it doesn’t seem to come out right, even in my head. But that’s all I want to say about it.

I know that everyone has drawn their conclusions, but I haven’t drawn mine yet and that doesn’t seem fair.

Sometimes, I lie about inconsequential things just to make things seem more interesting. Sometimes I lie about consequential things, and then wonder why I did.

This all seems pretty scattered to you, I know that. You wouldn’t even have to say it. You don’t have to say anything, really, and I still probably know what you’re feeling. Even if you don’t.

I feel better now. Not well. But better.”

I hope you enjoyed reading. Perhaps, on a lighter note, later this weekend I’ll go ahead and post one or two of my short stories that I (secretly) write at work when no one’s looking.

**If you are able, I heartily encourage everyone to come see our presentation at the convention. Pacific Standard Time always makes me seem like a more productive person (1o:00 AM PST = 1:00 PM EST) who doesn’t sleep in so much. You’ll get to hear my side of the story live in person. There will also be plenty of time for questions and answers. I will try to sync up the blog while I’m out there so that those who are not able to attend will still be able to experience the presentation in one way or another.