Welcome back, to those who are following this. I want to dredge up a little something from the past here. Not for lack of creativity, but I haven’t had much time to make updates lately. There are a lot of things going on: planning for the NAMI National Conference in San Francisco**, looking at buying a home, union votes on furloughs at work… I won’t bore you with all the tedium.
After a lengthy discussion with my therapist I’ve decided to go off of my trusty sleeping pill, Temazepam. It was never intended for long term use, and the formulary my insurance company had set up was causing the pharmacy to dispense them in odd quantities anyway. That being said I have some anxiety about this “rebound insomnia” that is possible. When I get anxious, I often write short stories or private blog entries for myself. I used to journal, but I’d cramp my hands and I like the security of knowing I can delete that which I don’t approve of in hindsight. I know, that defeats the purpose of the journaling.
The following post is a “cross-post” from my MySpace blog. I wrote it back in October of 2007 when I had just started at my job. I was feeling an immense amount of pressure and anxiety, especially since my last career ended on a sour note. With all that being said, I give you an example of anxiety induced writing:
“I’ll say this to you like I’d say it to a therapist. Because you’re both as likely to dole out the good pills.
I, uh, don’t know what’s going on right now. Well, strike that. I do. But it’s all highly disorganized and I think I might need to reconfigure. Reprioritize. Something to that effect. I know what’s going on. I hate not having money and I hate owing things to people, companies, you know. I thought we (the Royal We) were good. I was fairly certain of this, yes. There were some hard times there and I’m through that. I think I need to talk to some people and tell them how I feel, but I don’t think it will come off as being very coherent. I’m not feeling very coherent. I’m feeling, well, I don’t know. Unheimlich. Doesn’t translate into English well, but I think you know that I know what it means.
What I’m trying to say is, I haven’t lost it. I’m standing on the event horizon and I can see where it can all go. There is a lot of pressure on me to perform well right now, and I think I’m going to need some more of that Ambien if I want to sleep at night.
I’m tense. Did I tell you I was tense? I can feel it in my jaw like sucking on Warheads. I know tomorrow is Thursday. I know that after tomorrow I will breathe easier and I have so much to say but it doesn’t seem to come out right, even in my head. But that’s all I want to say about it.
I know that everyone has drawn their conclusions, but I haven’t drawn mine yet and that doesn’t seem fair.
Sometimes, I lie about inconsequential things just to make things seem more interesting. Sometimes I lie about consequential things, and then wonder why I did.
This all seems pretty scattered to you, I know that. You wouldn’t even have to say it. You don’t have to say anything, really, and I still probably know what you’re feeling. Even if you don’t.
I feel better now. Not well. But better.”
I hope you enjoyed reading. Perhaps, on a lighter note, later this weekend I’ll go ahead and post one or two of my short stories that I (secretly) write at work when no one’s looking.
**If you are able, I heartily encourage everyone to come see our presentation at the convention. Pacific Standard Time always makes me seem like a more productive person (1o:00 AM PST = 1:00 PM EST) who doesn’t sleep in so much. You’ll get to hear my side of the story live in person. There will also be plenty of time for questions and answers. I will try to sync up the blog while I’m out there so that those who are not able to attend will still be able to experience the presentation in one way or another.
