Emily’s Blog

My father often references my ability to remember the nursery rhyme “Betty Botter” from quite a young age. Another nursery rhyme comes to mind today, a less common rhyme about the Duke of York. I’ll quote the first part here:

The Grand old Duke of York
He had a thousand men
He marched them up the hill
And he marched them down again

And when you’re up, you’re up
And when you’re down, you’re down
And when you’re only half way up
You’re neither up, nor down

That “chorus”, if that’s what we can call it, describes Bipolar disorder succinctly. Today is a neither up nor down day. Work was not terribly exciting. The evening was spent preparing a pork roast for dinner, and folding laundry before it cooled and wrinkled. That’s most nights, for me. All right, perhaps I don’t make quiche every night. I remain in a positive mindset though, I feel accomplished and good about myself. Like the rhyme says, though, when you’re only halfway “up” you’re neither up nor down. That’s how you can tell a good day from a manic day, I think. If you don’t feel exasperated and spastic, just pleasantly perky.

I find, often, that when I’m neither up nor down I long to feel either mania or depression. Perhaps mania more than depression. Things seem so… ordinary when you’re in between. I envy the energy and enthusiasm of mania and miss the melancholy pensiveness of depression.

I apologize for not providing a better update last week. My job is in peak season and works days seem shorter but more intense when the work load increases. It’s hard to sit down and make an update to the blog when I hardly get time to process my thoughts for myself.

I apologize for leaving this so short, but better short and sweet than long and bitter.

My father and I will be speaking in North Carolina in October and I’ll be posting more details as soon as possible!

Questions? Comments? e-mail me at emily@ducttapeandwd40.com

You’re all probably wondering where last weeks update went. Well, I thought I had made one, but alas it is not posted. The laptop I use to maintain the blog and emily@ducttapeandwd40.com e-mail address just underwent an Operating System upgrade. We are now Microsoft free and running Linux Kubuntu (Jaunty Jackalope distro)! This is very exciting for me, as I love open source programs and prefer to work in a non-Windows, non-OSX environment. Unfortunately during the overhall we had some problems getting our preferred web browser (Mozilla Firefox) installed correctly and Konqueror just wasn’t doing the job right. So now, 6 days late and $6 short, I have access to the administration again and will be providing a much more thorough and entertaining update tomorrow.

To be honest, I sat down to write this about 20 minutes ago and was immediately distracted by the newest Lady Gaga music video. You’re probably thinking I’d focus better if I’d just shut off the television… It’s just not so, I’m afraid. If I did that all I’d hear would be the creaking of the computer desk chair my husband is occupying, the sound of the cat wheezing (recovering from an upper respiratory infection), or perhaps the shuffling feet of my upstairs neighbor who bears close resemblance to Dog the Bounty Hunter. Instead I’ll settle for some vintage Tori Amos in the background; some performance video from the Montreaux Jazz Festival, where ever/when ever that was.

I can’t tell you any specific moment or day I knew that something was different. People always want to talk about the day I tried to end my life. In retrospect it’s so trivial to me. I have a very difficult time understanding why other people think it’s so grand that I can stand up and talk about doing something I feel (now) was incredibly stupid. How many 13 year old girls want to die after being dumped by their first boyfriend? Life seemed excessively complicated. Middle School was a pressure cooker and home life was probably just as intense. Asking how and why I felt during puberty is like asking a recovered junkie what life was like when they were on drugs. The older I get the more detached I feel from that time period.

I feel like a different person now, but I have yet to figure out how I “did it”. I’m not cured, and I’m certainly not well, but always doing better. I now take just one pill to help manage my anxiety, whereas a decade ago I was on 5+ different medications, all clouding an already hazy mind. Perhaps it’s a matter of my own micro-managing personality. It takes a dedication, even borderline obsession, with your current state of being to manage a mental illness as successfully as I am. I can feel now when the tides are changing, shifting from mania to depression. Now I look at it almost like an art form just to be bipolar and when I’m neither up nor down I can’t wait to feel either again, like an adventure. I’ve come to look at my “illness” as a gift; allowing me to view the world with my kaleidoscope mind. As Tolkein wrote:

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

Glancing up from the laptop screen, I’m stealing a moment to watch Tori Amos perform. It’s hard not to pay attention to, the woman is practically making love to a gorgeous Steinway & Sons piano. If you’ve never seen her perform, I suggest you hop on YouTube right now and look up “Tori Amos + Precious Things + Soundstage 03 Live in Chicago” and you’ll know what I mean. I find her intensity and passion incredibly inspirational. So inspirational I need to get away from this laptop for now…

Until next week, my friends. Take care!

I will begin a weekly update, starting with Monday of next week. Weekly posts will be made on Monday or Wednesday evenings, so keep an eye out!

My primary purpose is to share with everyone a glimpse into the bipolar life. There may be more frequent, spontaneous updates as I see fit.

I haven’t been on hiatus so much as at a loss. It’s been many years since I’ve owned a well-maintained blog and with the narcissism of youth having faded it’s difficult to decide what of my week is worth sharing. I sometimes struggle with the idea of what I’ve accomplished being important to anyone. For me it’s still a struggle and I fail to see how far I’ve come sometimes.

Before I go for now, I’d like to offer my condolences to the family & friends of Stuart Bingham, a coworker of me. Stu passed away this past weekend, the result of an accident involving a careless drunk driver. We hear these stories so often that we forget how much it hurts when it happens to those we know and love. Stu will be greatly missed by everyone who knew him.