To be honest, I sat down to write this about 20 minutes ago and was immediately distracted by the newest Lady Gaga music video. You’re probably thinking I’d focus better if I’d just shut off the television… It’s just not so, I’m afraid. If I did that all I’d hear would be the creaking of the computer desk chair my husband is occupying, the sound of the cat wheezing (recovering from an upper respiratory infection), or perhaps the shuffling feet of my upstairs neighbor who bears close resemblance to Dog the Bounty Hunter. Instead I’ll settle for some vintage Tori Amos in the background; some performance video from the Montreaux Jazz Festival, where ever/when ever that was.
I can’t tell you any specific moment or day I knew that something was different. People always want to talk about the day I tried to end my life. In retrospect it’s so trivial to me. I have a very difficult time understanding why other people think it’s so grand that I can stand up and talk about doing something I feel (now) was incredibly stupid. How many 13 year old girls want to die after being dumped by their first boyfriend? Life seemed excessively complicated. Middle School was a pressure cooker and home life was probably just as intense. Asking how and why I felt during puberty is like asking a recovered junkie what life was like when they were on drugs. The older I get the more detached I feel from that time period.
I feel like a different person now, but I have yet to figure out how I “did it”. I’m not cured, and I’m certainly not well, but always doing better. I now take just one pill to help manage my anxiety, whereas a decade ago I was on 5+ different medications, all clouding an already hazy mind. Perhaps it’s a matter of my own micro-managing personality. It takes a dedication, even borderline obsession, with your current state of being to manage a mental illness as successfully as I am. I can feel now when the tides are changing, shifting from mania to depression. Now I look at it almost like an art form just to be bipolar and when I’m neither up nor down I can’t wait to feel either again, like an adventure. I’ve come to look at my “illness” as a gift; allowing me to view the world with my kaleidoscope mind. As Tolkein wrote:
All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
Glancing up from the laptop screen, I’m stealing a moment to watch Tori Amos perform. It’s hard not to pay attention to, the woman is practically making love to a gorgeous Steinway & Sons piano. If you’ve never seen her perform, I suggest you hop on YouTube right now and look up “Tori Amos + Precious Things + Soundstage 03 Live in Chicago” and you’ll know what I mean. I find her intensity and passion incredibly inspirational. So inspirational I need to get away from this laptop for now…
Until next week, my friends. Take care!
