Parents Blog

“In the Blink of an Eye!”

June 22nd, 2010

For those who have wondered where I’ve been, I’ve been dealing with another “Blink of an Eye” event.

Life changes in a “Blink of an Eye!” My life changed forever as I listened to a voice mail on May 18, 2000. That was when and how I learned of my daughter ‘s, Emily’s, attempted suicide. That was the day that I entered into the world of mental illness, not as member of an extended family dealing with mental health issues, but as a father of a daughter who was ill. My life changed in the blink of an eye.

Everyone one of us has had a “blink of an eye” experience: Lost job, lost wealth, death of a loved one, abandonment, just to name a few.

My fiancée, Kathy, complained about numbness on her right side the morning of May 29th. Her speech, facial expressions, balance were all normal. “I must have slept the wrong way”, was her logical reasoning, and off to work she goes. Two hours later, I get a call from Kathy telling me that she still felt numb and thought she should go and “get checked out”! I immediately left to pick her up and take her to the Emergency Room. Within minutes we discover she had experienced a stroke or a TIA, A TIA is a transient ischemic attack, a “mini stroke” that occurs when a blood clot blocks an artery for a short time. Life changed for Kath and me in “the blink of an eye”.

She is much better today thanks to the prompt diagnosis and treatment she received in the next 24 hours. She had a CAT scan, MRI, and more. She was released from the hospital with a list of additional tests to undergo. She’s now on prescription drugs for blood pressure, cholesterol, and an aspirin once per day.

Kathy does have residual neurological symptoms, in that her right side becomes weak after our walks. She also noticed the same occurrence after serving coffee to several residents at her job; again, when driving in “beep and creep” traffic having to put her foot on the brake frequently.

We are making changes in our life style which include, but not limited to, portion control, decreased sodium intake, limiting alcohol intake, and daily long walks. I’m sure Physical Therapy will be prescribed too.

It is our faith in God that sustains us, especially in times of crisis. Kathy shares my love for “Duct Tape”, focused reflective prayer. “Duct Tape” is an integral part of Kath’s recovery. We spend time in the “Word” each day, seeking wisdom and understanding. We have open and honest dialog with one another in His Presence. We trust in His Word when He says, “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God; and the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” (Phil. 4: 6-7) Duct Tape will keep us in alignment with our life style choices.

If you share our faith in Christ, you can help by adding us to your prayer list. Please pray for His help in keeping us on our new path to wellness. What we have is so precious; please pray that we will, indeed, grow old together.

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A Tribute to Mothers … the night I cried

May 7th, 2010

I cried that night!

In the mail that morning was an envelope from my mother with only one item inside … her business card. Mom was an artist and had her own “Little Studio” where she taught many a folk the fine art of creating art. Mom taught me many things, but I never caught on to the “art” thing.

It had been more than four weeks since I was held back in my quest to earn my commission as a Naval Flight Officer. I was attending the Naval Aviation Officer Candidate School at Naval Air Station Pensacola, Florida. I could do everything they demanded of me except for 5 chin ups. I passed all the course work required. They even passed me in my understanding of “military barring” … which was a stretch for me.

It was the physical fitness requirements that were my greatest challenge. I had accomplished everything … the obstacle course and “Dipsty Dumpster” included. If you have seen “An Officer and a Gentleman” starring Richard Gere and Debra Wenger, you know what I mean by the “Dipsty Dumpster” and obstacle course. I did it all …. Except for those 5 stupid chin ups.

I remember the first day we were benchmarked on our physical abilities. My Drill Instructor stuck his baton into my belly like he was taking a measurement of my fat. “You might as well quite now, Brown. Fat Bodies like you always DOR (Drop on Request). He achieved his goal. He lit a fire in me that I had never experienced before. I’d be damned if I was going to quit. My Daddy wouldn’t be proud of me if I did.

I stepped up to the chin up bar, jumped and grabbed hold. “Begin!” my DI demanded. “Begin?” I responded. “I’m finished!” I couldn’t do one chin up.

Ten weeks later, I could do two chin ups. The requirement was five. Had it not been for the Viet Nam war and the Navy’s need for aviators, they would have washed me out then and there. But, no! They put me on a PT hold. I was restricted to the barracks, only allowed to go to the gym to work out and to the mess hall to eat.
Week after week for four weeks, that was my life. I could now do three.

Then I opened the envelope my mother had sent in the mail. Inside was her business card, as I said before. On the back of the card, she had written:

Lord, grant me the courage to change that which can be changed;
Serenity to accept that which cannot be changed;
And Wisdom to know one from the other.

I need to openly admit to you that I was not a man of great faith at that point in life. I did enjoy Sunday morning church services because that was the only place the Drill Instructors would not shout at you. Other than that, a strong faith would have been a great hindrance to the life style of a Naval Aviator that I wanted so badly.

I was finally in a place in life where failure was indeed a possibility. I sat on my bunk and read that prayer … I didn’t even know it was the “Serenity Prayer” … and had a conversation with God. I asked Him why me? Why can’t I do these stupid chin ups?

I felt a certain peace that I had never felt before. I left my bunk and went to the head (the bathroom for you non Navy types). There were sturdy bars in the shower stalls that everyone used for chin up exercises. I jumped and grabbed hold of the bar and preceded to do six chin ups. Yes, I said SIX.

I immediately ran to the Duty Office to report my success. My DI said, “Show me”. Back we went to the head. I did the mandatory five. He looked at me and said, “Do it again!” With a deep breath, I jumped, grabbed, and squeaked out five more chin ups. That was a total of 16 within just a few minutes, thanks be to God and adrenalin.

I went out on liberty that night to celebrate my success. Later that same night I lay in my bunk and I cried. I had already gone back on my promise to God … as I have done time and again most of my life.

My mother had influenced my life a thousand miles away. She knew I was depressed because I couldn’t do five chin ups. I later learned that she and dad were secretly hoping that I would wash out, thereby not having to go to war. But they never said that. She just sent me that prayer. I guess her prayers were answered because I never went to war … but that’s another story.

Mothers are like that! They profoundly influence our lives asking little in return. Please remember your mother this weekend.

Not too long ago I learned that one of my daughters was experiencing one of the biggest challenges of her life. I didn’t know what to say or do. Then I thought of my mother. I did what my mother did and sent my daughter the “Serenity Prayer” on the back of my business card. A few days later she called to say thanks. She put it in her wallet which is the same place I put my mom’s card, forty years ago. It’s still there today.

Thanks Mom! I miss you dearly, but am reminded of your gentleness everyday by the art work throughout our home.

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How Do You Grow an Elephant in the Living Room?

April 23rd, 2010

My dad and I would sit around the camp fire and talk about life. As he came closer to the end of his life, our conversations took on issues of regret. He spoke one night about regretting his decision to not go into real estate sales, like his chief financial officer had after fire destroyed their business. Dad chose to rebuild the business, yet never made the money that his CFO went on to make in life selling real estate.

Then, at age 81, he said he regretted that decision.

“Why?” I asked. “Didn’t you enjoy your business?” “It’s all that I knew. Yes, I enjoyed my work!” he said.
“Think of it this way, dad. You and mom overcame a huge obstacle in your efforts to rebuild the business after the fire. You never quit. You did what you had to do, and you survived. Do you have any idea how that effort on your part has impacted my life? Quit? Me? Never! You didn’t quit, nor will I.”

He smiled. He had a tear or two in his eyes. Conversation moved on to other less serious matters. We were closer after that night … yet still not close enough.

My dad passed on a couple of years later, in 1986. He lived long enough to enjoy his seeing first granddaughter from my marriage, Emily. He passed away the day after she was baptized as an infant. What causes me to sometimes be sad today are the things we never talked about. Ahh, yes, the unanswered questions in life.

The unanswered questions are the elephants in the living room. You both know what the question is. Neither one of you has the courage to bring it up. It’s easier to pretend it never happened.

My dad went to court when I was in college to fight someone who was attempting to black mail him. He was caught on camera in, let’s just say, a comprising position. He had broken one of the “Big 10”, big time. He was set up, and taken down. But, just like the fire, you couldn’t keep my dad down. Mom, to her credit, stood by his side when she had every right to walk out. Together, they won, and left the court with heads held high.

It was one of those things that I had often thought about yet never had the courage to ask about. Dad, of course, never mentioned it either. My question would have been “Why?” Why would my dad let himself be put in such a situation in the first place?

Well, now I know. There’s a lot of truth to the statement that “an apple doesn’t fall to far from the tree.” Years later, long after my dad died, I found myself in a “comprising position” too. Those who know me well know what I’m talking about. Those who don’t know me, I’m content to let you use your imagination. All I will say is that now, more than a year later, I remain profoundly ashamed of my behavior. If it wasn’t for my ever increasing faith in Christ, I don’t know how I would have survived. Confession and repentance are powerful healing forces. God’s love shines brightly in the eyes of those who love you the most when they extend their forgiveness too.

Unlike my dad, I have started to talk about my indiscretions with both of my daughters. I do not want that to be the elephant in the living room that dies the day that I die without any answers. It is not easy bring up subjects of the past that created great pain in your children’s lives. But there are cycles in life that if ignored, will continue on generation after generation.

I’m beginning to see my own behaviors (I’m not talking the ‘Big 10’ rules here, just the recklessness of the age in question) being repeated in my daughters’ lives. It’s like watching a movie of my own life when I was 20 something. My hope is that through open dialog I can help them not do the “elephant in the living room” thing in their life time. More than that, I want them to experience the same healing I have found through confession and repentance.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not blaming my sins on my father’s because we never talked about it. I’m simply saying that those things my dad and I did talk about were healing for both of us. I need to do for my daughters what my dad did for me. Over time, I hope I can provide a sense of healing for my daughters and me as we all grow older together … before “game over”.

So what’s this to you? What “elephants in the living room” are you ignoring with your children? Don’t let the clock run out before you have that conversation. You, too, can break the cycle, with God’s healing help.

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And then she gets married …

March 31st, 2010

It’s almost two years now since I walked Emily down the aisle. Like millions of fathers before me, I now understand all too well, the emotions that flow to the surface that day. On one hand, it’s a goal accomplished. This is what you have worked for, helping your child prepare for the world that awaits them. On the other hand … your role of father changes abruptly. Her husband is now the “go to guy”, as well he should be. I just didn’t realize how much I would miss being that “go to guy”.

I miss her. Oh, we still get together from time to time, mostly just to exchange life stories. We celebrate victories … we share one another’s pain in life’s disappointments. We hug! We say goodbye.

Every once in a while, I get that call asking for my opinion. Happy, happy, joy, joy. Then the days go by and you don’t hear a thing.

I now know how my own mother felt when I failed to call or visit. If I had it to do over again, I’d visit her more often. But that time is gone. My mom died three years ago this month. At the time, I thought I was paying enough attention to mom. Now, I realize that you can never pay too much attention to your mother or father.

My mom was all too aware of the feelings of guilt that a parent can bestow upon their adult child. She told me stories about her own mother’s guilt laden comments. “Why are you spending all this time painting. You have a house to clean, you know.” That’s why my mom seldom went out of her way to lay a “guilt trip” upon me. Likewise, I try very hard to not lay a guilt trip upon either of my daughters.

Susan’s not married. I’m still her “go to guy” … at least it seems that way. Yes, I know she too has her friends and support systems. Yet, unlike her sister, when push comes to shove, I’m still her “go to guy”.

That’s life! It’s time to live mine and stop living my life through the lives of my children. And that’s exactly what I’m doing. In many ways, I’ve never enjoyed life like I do today. It just seems that no matter how fulfilling your life is, you still ache from time to time for the days when … “It’s 10 PM! Do you know where your child is?”

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How does mental illness impact business?

February 1st, 2010

I can only answer this from my own perspective.

From 1989 to 1999, my goal was to build my business, The CommonWealth Forum, to the point that it would provide not only income for our family, but income for the families of those who helped in the building of the business. Eventually, I would have a business of significant value that I could sell to another younger consultant.

The CommonWealth Forum provided a safe environment for business owners to meet as informal boards of directors where they can work together, helping each other solve business problems. The rules were simple: what is said there stays there. Competitors are not allowed.

By 1999, I had 8 different Forums here in Central PA serving the Harrisburg, York, and Lancaster metro areas. Each Forum had 10 to 12 members. Four of my peers were working with me, helping by facilitating a forum, and in turn, building their own consulting business. We had an 85% renewal rate each year. We had a well oiled process for growing each forum individually and collectively. Life was good.

Then I hit the white waters of personal crisis. As my daughter, Emily, entered middle school, her grades began to fall. This made no sense to me since her IQ borders the genius category. She began to miss more and more school days due to complaints of illness. Our family dinner time became more turbulent than warm and loving for that’s when I would choose to challenge Emily and her decreasing academic performance. The family doctor suggested an antidepressant for Emily. We sought out appropriate counseling to help Emily deal with depression. While this was happening, I began to lose focus on my business.

In 1999 Emily’s grades continued to fall. In early 2000, Emily’s use of the internet was increasing. We took her computer privileges away to no avail. She simply walked to the library which was one block away and continued her use of the internet. It felt like I was losing all control.

I was in Maryland in April of 2000 conducting a workshop for a client. There were a couple hundred participants. I was doing what it was I love to do when suddenly my session was interrupted by an emergency phone call from my administrative assistant. Ginny had worked with me for almost 10 years. She never called out of an emergency before. I gave the group an assignment then went and returned the call. Ginny told me that the local police were there in my office with Emily wanting to interview her. Ginny told them no way. She needed to inform me first.

It seems that Emily had reported that she had been approached by an adult male and felt threatened. They wanted to talk to her to get a description. I got them to post pone the interview with the promise that I’d be home within 3 hours. Then and only then could they interview my daughter.

A month later, Emily attempts suicide. What happened next is what “Duct Tape and WD-40…a parent’s guide to the mysteries of a bipolar child” is all about.

My life was totally upside down. My ability to focus on business completely disappeared. I began to lose forum members. I began to downsize the number of forums. I began to lose forum facilitators. I began to lose money. And the sad part of all this was that I didn’t care.

As I sat in one of many meetings with my wife and her psychiatrist, the psychiatrist suddenly expressed concern for me. He said that having known me for a few years he has noticed that I no longer display any affect. What did he mean? I no longer smiled or frowned. My facial expressions were completely neutral. I was exhibiting symptoms of depression. He put me on an antidepressant.

As I look back upon the price I paid as a business owner, my daughter’s illness cost me 4 years in loss revenues. It began the year prior to her first psychiatric hospitalization. It continued to worsen as denial took over my life. It continued when I realized that my own behavior was not helping Emily at all, causing me to reinvent my role as father. By the time Emily was on her road to recovery, I had lost almost all that I had built in the CommonWealth Forum. The most devastating loss was my marriage of 31 years. I felt completely defeated in life on so many levels.

Today, I’m healthy and happy. Emily continues her road to recovery. As I tell folks who ask, she has been married for going on three years to a man who understands her illness and loves her deeply. She is gainfully employed in a job she enjoys for more than 2 years. And, best of all, she no longer asks me for money.

I have found the person I want to grow old with in my life. We are compatible in so many ways.
My cardiologist doesn’t want to see me for another year. It’s been two years since I had my last stress test. He’s content to wait another year before I have one. I no longer take an antidepressant. Finally, I can focus on business again.

So what’s the point to all this? I watched a wonderful video clip featuring Glenn Close and her sister who suffers from Bipolar Disorder. If you haven’t seen it I hope you will take time now to click here.

In the video, Glenn uses the statistic that one in six adults will experience a mental illness sometime in their life. If you own your own business, divide the number of employees on your payroll by six. That’s how many folks you have employed that will fall into this category. Add to that the fact that each of these folks has someone who loves them …. A partner, a parent, a sibling, a child….who also suffers just as I suffered. That means you now have the potential of two out of six employees somehow affected by the devastation of a mental illness.
While they are in the depths of the illness, they cannot focus. They may be present at work, but their mind is elsewhere. Their work performance begins to falter. What are you going to do?

That’s a question worth pondering.

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A Proud Daddy

October 22nd, 2009

Emily and I keynoted NAMI North Carolina’s Annual Conference last week. We have been doing these presentations since 2004. Every time we do, I never know what Emily will say. What I do know, I’m always pleasantly surprised, no matter what she says.

We had our preconference preparation meeting a few days before we left for Raleigh, NC. I gave Em a couple of ideas, not as her father, but as her public speaking coach. She took those ideas to heart and “hit the ball out of the park”.

She used stories to illustrate her points. She had two concise messages: one for parents, and one for her peers. The feedback from the audience was immediate and extremely positive.

Don’t take my word for it. Becky Faucette from NAMI NC just wrote to say about Emily, “I know you must be so proud of her. She was so well spoken and meaningful.”

If you want to know what she said that was so powerful, why not visit her blog and ask her.

All I have to say is that I’m one proud Daddy! Thanks, Em.

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Duct Tape … a necessary tool for leadership

October 8th, 2009

Someone once asked me to think of all the people you have worked for in life. I hate that phrase, “work for”. Those for whom I “worked for” were usually uninspiring and often boring. I worked hard at minimizing my need to be in contact with them. Tell me what you want done, then get out of my way while I do it. There was no passion, no excitement, no sense of doing something for the greater good. There simply was a job to do that didn’t seem connected to anything else.

More years ago then I care to remember, there was a very real leader in my life. This leader was not my boss. Matter of fact, this leader had nothing to do at all with the organization which employed me. This leader was the President of the Pennsylvania Jaycees. At the time, I was President of the Camp Hill Jaycees.

My interactions with this leader were few and far between. Whenever we did interact, he would speak about the future. He would paint a word picture describing what a successful chapter looks like. He helped us see how the three strategies of the US Jaycees, if used correctly, would produce great results. He inspired me to want to do great things.

Following his lead, our local chapter climbed out of the depths of the fear of losing our charter to being ranked among the top 25 chapters in the state. There was no monetary award attached to this accomplish. There was simply a compelling vision to guide us, a series of proven strategies to follow, and a never ending passion to see it through.

It was only two years later that I began my first business. My vision, my passion, helped me overcome so many obstacles in so many ways. It was this vision, and this passion that allowed me to build a business which met many goals.

But in the year 2000, my vision and passion gave way to a greater concern, that of the survival of my daughter. An attempted suicide of a teenage child will definitely blind side you, and knock you off game.

As time went on, I eventually got back on track. However, there was a new track beginning to develop. I’m still passionate about my business. But my passion for a new vision continues to grow stronger and stronger every day.

What is this new vision? More than anything, I want to work with people who are faced with the unpredictable and often frustrating behaviors of a loved one who suffers from a mental illness. I want to help them to:

• Accept that their loved one suffers from a mental illness.

• Understand that a mental illness, like other illnesses, is treatable.

• Believe that there is hope for recovery.

• Realize that they can make a difference in that recovery.

• Want to learn what it is they can do to help.

What does Duct Tape have to do with this? What does Duct Tape have to do with leadership?

I use duct tape every day. Every day, I read my vision statement. Every day, I focus! Every day, I reflect. What am I doing that is working, for those are the things I want to be sure to continue. What am I doing that is not working? These are the things I need to stop doing. What is something new, something that I haven’t tried before but might work?

If I ever expect others to follow me, I better have a pretty clear vision of where I’m headed. A daily dose of Duct Tape guarantees just that.

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If it Doesn’t Move and it Should …

September 16th, 2009

…Use WD-40! The following is an excerpt from “Duct Tape and WD-40 … a parent’s guide to the mysteries of a bipolar child”

“Let’s focus on “WD-40”: Listen; Learn; Help; Lead. No matter the cause when you “listen to learn”, you will find that people open up, sharing things with you. Listening is the most effective tool you can use to enhance all your personal relationships.

“To get started identify the primary individuals with whom you need to reconnect? Identify the opportunities for that day when you might be able to listen to learn and understand the needs of those individuals. How about your family? What is it that you feel is important to them? Now move to thoughts of extended family, friends, and others. Are there those who are experiencing some form of hardship? You will always come in contact with people who are in great pain.

“Write down any thoughts that come to mind. Make a list of things you could do to show your love.

“What might those things be? (Feel free to write in the book.)

“First Rule of WD-40: to keep from damaging a relationship or could damage further by being angry, take a hike. That’s right, just get away and let the simmer cool down. This will give you time to reflect on how to respond and it will also provide some time and space from the behavior that caused your problem.

“Second Rule of WD-40: When you’ve calmed down, try listening. Ask an open-ended question. Then shut up and listen. “I don’t understand. Can you help me to understand?”

And from the forward by Newt Gingrich, “The power of David’s book for any other family faced with these challenges is its very honesty and the pain and confusion it accurately communicates. This will give you, the reader, permission to surface
your own pain and to be honest about your own confusion.

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If it moves and it shouldn’t …

August 28th, 2009

That’s right! Use Duct Tape.

So here’s a question to people of faith? If you are reading this, I assume you have had your life turned upside down due to the sudden changes of behavior in a child you love. Your child’s behaviors tend to be high risk and dangerous. Logic has failed you. For the life of you, you cannot understand why your child is doing/saying some of the things they do or say.

Then they cross a line: they have become either a danger to themselves or to others. You find yourself being dragged, kicking and screaming, into the world of mental health services. Your child has been hospitalized in a psychiatric hospital. Your life will never be the same.

You enter into the strange world of denial. This can’t be happening to my daughter. She’s taking meds that will make her better. My job is to hold her accountable: chores at home, grades at school, to name a couple. But that doesn’t work, does it?

Anger begins to creep into your everyday life. You’re angry with your daughter, with her school, with her mother, with your extended family that seems to visit or call less often. Your anger slips into depression. You seek to comfort yourself with alcohol or substance abuse. You are desperate.

You are angry with your church for they say nothing. What happened to all the cards? … Meals? …Visits?…when cancer stuck its ugly head into the life of your family just a few years ago?

If you are a person of faith, you find yourself sitting in church surrounded with life as it should be… and you become angry with God. Why me, God? You soon begin avoiding the very place that once gave you such comfort. Your life is totally upside down.

So, what moved? Better yet, who moved? You did. And you feel justified in doing so. IF the church doesn’t care, I don’t care! And God? What evidence is there that He cares?

In hindsight, it is such a predictable path we follow. The sad thing is that some of us never realize that it is a path to self destruction.
It’s amazing what hell we will put ourselves through before we fall to our knees and call out for help. When we do, we are surprised to find out that He was there all along. We had moved! God did not.

So how can you use Duct Tape to heal your anger with God? Follow His first great commandment: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ Matthew 22:37

Someone challenged me! “ If you claim that God is the most important entity in your life, don’t you think you should be talking with God and not ignoring him?” As I wrote earlier this week, how can you help if all you do is fight? Ignoring God is a passive form of aggression. It doesn’t work, does it?

The day I got on my knees before God was the day I began to use Duct Tape: to talk with Him each and every day in focused reflective prayer. It was the beginning of the end of pain for me. It was the day I began to acknowledge my own role in my daughter’s acting out: she was afraid of me. How could I help her when she feared me? It was the day that I finally acknowledged that my daughter suffered from a mental illness: Bipolar Disorder. It was the day that I discovered a new hope: her recovery. It was the day I began to search openly for answers. It was the day that miracles began to happen in my life.

If it moves, and shouldn’t … use Duct Tape. You can read the whole story in my book, Duct Tape and WD 40 … a parent’s guide to the mysteries of a bipolar child”.

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How Can You Help if All You Do is Fight?

August 19th, 2009

“I can’t believe she did that after I told her time and again not to do that!” That about summarizes so many conversations I’ve had with parents of children who suffer from a mental illness.

“So what did you do in response to her defiance?” I ask. “I grounded her for a month!!!” Yeah, like that’s going to work!

Then I ask the famous Dr. Phil question: “How’s that working out for you?” “I don’t know. She’s not talking to me! All she does is hide in her room spending time on her computer.”

Can you ever affectively reach out and help someone when they hide from you? As my Daddy always said, “seems to me you are cutting off your nose to spite your face!”

Ask yourself the question, “who is the grown up here?” “Who has the greater ability at managing their own behavior?”

Expecting a child who suffers from a mental illness to stop acting out is like expecting someone with laryngitis to speak louder. It’s impossible! The illness rules, not the parent.

My faith tells me that I have a loving Father. All too frequently He may not know that I love Him because of the way I behave. But every time I acknowledge the error of my ways, ask for forgiveness, and then truly repent, I feel His Grace. The same works in all loving relationships. Acknowledge your own aberrant behavior and how hurtful it was. Commit to trying to not behave that way again. Ask for their forgiveness. Offer a hug to close the deal.

Easy to say … seemingly impossible to do … unless you learn to manage your own anger. Rather than screaming, go for a long walk by yourself. Do what you have to do to help calm down. After you calm down and your loved one calms down, seek to understand what just happened from their perspective, not yours. People eventually will stop fighting back when you stop yelling, and you start asking.

When Em was in the early stages of her Bipolar Disorder, I yelled a lot. Then I learned a new way to communicate. First, it required a long walk on my part. When I got back from my long walk, I use to say to Emily, “Em, my brain doesn’t work like yours. I would never have done what you just did. Help me understand! Teach me what it’s like to be bipolar.” We’d have a much calmer conversation. I would listen to learn. The more I learned, the more I was able to help. That’s what Duct Tape and WD-40 is all about.

I would love to know what works for you! You can share your thoughts here or drop me an email at david.brown@ducttapeandwd40.com.

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