Parents Blog

Denial is something that everyone else can see except for the one who is in it.

How can you not know you are in denial? Not only can’t you see it when you are in it, you don’t believe it when people tell you.

What I do know is that I used to dream dreams, but a year after my daughter, Emily, had her first psychotic episode, I had lost all hope. My dreams disappeared, and I didn’t even know it.

“Denial? Me? I don’t think so!”

Thanks be to God, I finally accepted my new reality. My daughter suffered from a mental illness. Bipolar Disorder is a real illness. The good news is that it responds to appropriate treatment and medication. Together, we started a journey on the road to recovery.

When I started writing ”, “Duct Tape and WD-40 … a parent’s guide to the mysteries of a bipolar child“, I spent time drafting a vision statement. That statement is …

More than anything, I want to work with people who are faced with the unpredictable and often frustrating behaviors of a loved one who suffers from a mental illness. I want to help them to:

• Accept that their loved one suffers from a mental illness.

• Understand that a mental illness, like other illnesses, is treatable.

• Believe that there is hope for recovery.

• Realize that they can make a difference in that recovery.

• Want to learn what it is they can do to help.

The biggest problem that I face is the very first bullet point. How can I help someone accept that their loved one suffers from a mental illness if they don’t pick up the book?

Think about it! According to Glenn Close in the wonderfully done public service promo, “BringChange2Mind”, one out of six adults suffers from a mental illness. As is depicted, but not said, for everyone who suffers, there is a loved one who suffers too; the loved one could be a mother, father, sibling, spouse, friend, or neighbor. So that means that one out of three suffers from a mental illness, directly or indirectly. That means over 100,000,000 people in the USA suffer.

Yet, if you use NAMI’s national membership as a barometer, their membership is far less than a million, or less than 1 % of the target market, those who suffer and their loved ones. That should give you an idea of just how many folks are in denial.

So we need to work harder. There are millions of people who suffer simply because they are in denial. What more can be done to help people to acknowledge that a loved one suffers from a mental illness? Can we talk?

I can only answer this from my own perspective.

From 1989 to 1999, my goal was to build my business, The CommonWealth Forum, to the point that it would provide not only income for our family, but income for the families of those who helped in the building of the business. Eventually, I would have a business of significant value that I could sell to another younger consultant.

The CommonWealth Forum provided a safe environment for business owners to meet as informal boards of directors where they can work together, helping each other solve business problems. The rules were simple: what is said there stays there. Competitors are not allowed.

By 1999, I had 8 different Forums here in Central PA serving the Harrisburg, York, and Lancaster metro areas. Each Forum had 10 to 12 members. Four of my peers were working with me, helping by facilitating a forum, and in turn, building their own consulting business. We had an 85% renewal rate each year. We had a well oiled process for growing each forum individually and collectively. Life was good.

Then I hit the white waters of personal crisis. As my daughter, Emily, entered middle school, her grades began to fall. This made no sense to me since her IQ borders the genius category. She began to miss more and more school days due to complaints of illness. Our family dinner time became more turbulent than warm and loving for that’s when I would choose to challenge Emily and her decreasing academic performance. The family doctor suggested an antidepressant for Emily. We sought out appropriate counseling to help Emily deal with depression. While this was happening, I began to lose focus on my business.

In 1999 Emily’s grades continued to fall. In early 2000, Emily’s use of the internet was increasing. We took her computer privileges away to no avail. She simply walked to the library which was one block away and continued her use of the internet. It felt like I was losing all control.

I was in Maryland in April of 2000 conducting a workshop for a client. There were a couple hundred participants. I was doing what it was I love to do when suddenly my session was interrupted by an emergency phone call from my administrative assistant. Ginny had worked with me for almost 10 years. She never called out of an emergency before. I gave the group an assignment then went and returned the call. Ginny told me that the local police were there in my office with Emily wanting to interview her. Ginny told them no way. She needed to inform me first.

It seems that Emily had reported that she had been approached by an adult male and felt threatened. They wanted to talk to her to get a description. I got them to post pone the interview with the promise that I’d be home within 3 hours. Then and only then could they interview my daughter.

A month later, Emily attempts suicide. What happened next is what “Duct Tape and WD-40…a parent’s guide to the mysteries of a bipolar child” is all about.

My life was totally upside down. My ability to focus on business completely disappeared. I began to lose forum members. I began to downsize the number of forums. I began to lose forum facilitators. I began to lose money. And the sad part of all this was that I didn’t care.

As I sat in one of many meetings with my wife and her psychiatrist, the psychiatrist suddenly expressed concern for me. He said that having known me for a few years he has noticed that I no longer display any affect. What did he mean? I no longer smiled or frowned. My facial expressions were completely neutral. I was exhibiting symptoms of depression. He put me on an antidepressant.

As I look back upon the price I paid as a business owner, my daughter’s illness cost me 4 years in loss revenues. It began the year prior to her first psychiatric hospitalization. It continued to worsen as denial took over my life. It continued when I realized that my own behavior was not helping Emily at all, causing me to reinvent my role as father. By the time Emily was on her road to recovery, I had lost almost all that I had built in the CommonWealth Forum. The most devastating loss was my marriage of 31 years. I felt completely defeated in life on so many levels.

Today, I’m healthy and happy. Emily continues her road to recovery. As I tell folks who ask, she has been married for going on three years to a man who understands her illness and loves her deeply. She is gainfully employed in a job she enjoys for more than 2 years. And, best of all, she no longer asks me for money.

I have found the person I want to grow old with in my life. We are compatible in so many ways.
My cardiologist doesn’t want to see me for another year. It’s been two years since I had my last stress test. He’s content to wait another year before I have one. I no longer take an antidepressant. Finally, I can focus on business again.

So what’s the point to all this? I watched a wonderful video clip featuring Glenn Close and her sister who suffers from Bipolar Disorder. If you haven’t seen it I hope you will take time now to click here.

In the video, Glenn uses the statistic that one in six adults will experience a mental illness sometime in their life. If you own your own business, divide the number of employees on your payroll by six. That’s how many folks you have employed that will fall into this category. Add to that the fact that each of these folks has someone who loves them …. A partner, a parent, a sibling, a child….who also suffers just as I suffered. That means you now have the potential of two out of six employees somehow affected by the devastation of a mental illness.
While they are in the depths of the illness, they cannot focus. They may be present at work, but their mind is elsewhere. Their work performance begins to falter. What are you going to do?

That’s a question worth pondering.

There was so much I didn’t know about Emily’s illness when she was first diagnosed in May, 2000.

I had my own fears based upon reality as I understood it. As Newt Gingrich, brother to Emily’s mother, Roberta, said in his forward, “Our Mother had experienced both depression and bipolar disorder and we had all had to come to grips with the fact that someone you love can find themselves overwhelmed by impacts you do not understand, cannot predict, and may not be able to change.”

What I knew of Bipolar Disorder was not pretty. Em’s grandmother was not diagnosed until her 60’s. Up until her 60’s she had been treated by many Army doctors over many years for depression. It wasn’t until after she went off her meds that her illness was evident to everyone. It wasn’t pretty! Now my own daughter shared the same diagnosis. The last thing I had was “hope for recovery”.

Then I was introduced to NAMI by Dona Constantine from Orange County CA. I only knew Dona by name as she was my niece’s mother-in-law. California was a long, long way away. Yet here this dear soul reached all the way across this great country to tell me about NAMI and their wonderful program, “Family to Family”.

It was in the course, “Family to Family” that I learned the truth about mental illness. It is biological in nature and therefore, responds to treatment. This course taught me everything I needed to know to change the way I was a father to Emily.

If you are reading this, and if you are a parent of a child who suffers from a mental illness, I beg you please to contact your local NAMI Affiliate. Start at www.nami.org/ Get the information that will set you free. Get the information that will help you help your child find their own road to recovery.

My Daddy always said …

“…Son, when you are faced with a challenge that is not common to others, don’t seek the advice of those who haven’t been there. Find those who have, and who have come out on top.”

In 2000, my father had already been with God in Heaven for 14 years. In 2000, I faced the biggest challenge in my life when I learned that my 13 year old daughter had attempted suicide …. When I was told that she was okay physically, but mentally, she suffered from Bipolar Disorder.

After a year of anger and denial, my father’s words of advice surfaced. But I didn’t know anyone who was dealing with a mental illness of a child.

Then God, in His infinite patience, answered my prayer. Sitting on my desk for the past several months was an envelope with a note from Dona Constantine, then Executive Director of NAMI Orange County, telling me about NAMI’s Support network.

From Chapter 8 of “Duct Tape and WD-40 … a parent’s guide to the mysteries of a bipolar child”:

“A week or two later, I found myself walking into a room full of strangers, who, by the time introductions were made, seemed like my new best friends. Everyone there had a loved one who suffered from some form of mental disorder: Bipolar Disorder, Schizophrenia, Schizoid Affective, and a handful of other disorders I never knew existed.

“The moderator opened the meeting by reminding everyone about the rule: ‘what is said here stays here’. I can’t remember a thing about that first meeting, other than these were people who understood, and wanted to help. I felt such a sense of relief that evening. I wasn’t the only person dealing with a mentally ill family member.”

Once again, dad’s advice was paying off.

My Dad would have been 106 if he had lived this long. His birthday is next week. I think I’ll pay his grave a visit and say, “Thanks Dad. You may be gone but your words of wisdom live on.”

You, the Parent!
Yes, that means you.
I know! I didn’t know that either. Not until my best friend from high school told me so. Here’s a portion of the book that tells you more:

“A friend of mine said to me, ‘I bet you are trying to be a father to Emily like ‘Father Knows Best’? ‘Father Knows Best’ is a very old TV program. But it is what I grew up with and what I knew about how to be a parent.

“Of course I am!”

“Yup! Bet it doesn’t work, does it?”

Ouch! My friend had just hit a raw nerve.

My friend and I grew up together. We’ve known each other since 5th grade. We still live in the same town and have children who attend the same high school from which we graduated. My friend’s son is a classmate of Emily’s. That’s how he knew to ask the probing question.
My friend is an alcoholic. He seems to be managing his illness better these past couple of years. Never the less, whenever he falls off the wagon, then dries out and climbs back on; I’m one of the folks he calls. I never judge him. His illness is not something easily dealt with. I thought that we kept in touch with one another because my role was to rescue him. Now here he was rescuing me.

When he called to have lunch earlier that week, I simply assumed that he was back on the wagon after another fall. Not the case, though. He called because he knew he could help me.

“I heard about Emily’s diagnosis. I understand she is Bipolar, is that right? You know that I’m Bipolar, too, don’t you?” I seemed to recall his having mentioned that some time in the past, although I must confess that back then I wasn’t clear what that meant.

“Let me tell you what it is like growing up as a bipolar teenager in a family that was just like the “Father Knows Best”. And so began my understanding of what life must be like for my Emily.

I heard a lot that day, all of which opened my eyes. What helped the most was what he told me in terms of how to respond to Emily when she was ‘acting out’.”

Bob helped me see what no one else was able to help me see. I was a major obstacle to Emily’s recovery. Me! Her father! For Emily to have any chance at recovery, I was the one who needed to change.

Emily and I had dinner the other evening. Her husband, Don, was out of town on business. She wanted to go to a well known Indian Cuisine restaurant, for she had just seen the movie “Slum Dog Millionaire”. I so enjoy these times with Em.

Her eyes sparkled. Her complexion was bright and healthy. Our conversations no longer focus on my asking “help me understand, Em”. Now we talk about movies. We talk about every day issues that we face in life. We talk about “Facebook”, and “Twitter”. Emily is teaching me about the new world of social networking. Yes, this is my first ever blog entry.

Emily is married now. Our dinners together are fewer in number, but always richer in content. I praise God for her intellect, for her love of life, for her sense of humor, for her and her husbands dream of owning their own home and for having children.

If you are reading this, and you are a parent in crisis, please know that recovery is possible … recovery is real.

If you are reading this, and you are a parent with a similar story of recovery, please take the time to share with others. They need to hear as many voices of hope as possible.

Thanking God for “Duct Tape”,
David
Philippians 4: 6-7