Parents Blog

There was so much I didn’t know about Emily’s illness when she was first diagnosed in May, 2000.

I had my own fears based upon reality as I understood it. As Newt Gingrich, brother to Emily’s mother, Roberta, said in his forward, “Our Mother had experienced both depression and bipolar disorder and we had all had to come to grips with the fact that someone you love can find themselves overwhelmed by impacts you do not understand, cannot predict, and may not be able to change.”

What I knew of Bipolar Disorder was not pretty. Em’s grandmother was not diagnosed until her 60’s. Up until her 60’s she had been treated by many Army doctors over many years for depression. It wasn’t until after she went off her meds that her illness was evident to everyone. It wasn’t pretty! Now my own daughter shared the same diagnosis. The last thing I had was “hope for recovery”.

Then I was introduced to NAMI by Dona Constantine from Orange County CA. I only knew Dona by name as she was my niece’s mother-in-law. California was a long, long way away. Yet here this dear soul reached all the way across this great country to tell me about NAMI and their wonderful program, “Family to Family”.

It was in the course, “Family to Family” that I learned the truth about mental illness. It is biological in nature and therefore, responds to treatment. This course taught me everything I needed to know to change the way I was a father to Emily.

If you are reading this, and if you are a parent of a child who suffers from a mental illness, I beg you please to contact your local NAMI Affiliate. Start at www.nami.org/ Get the information that will set you free. Get the information that will help you help your child find their own road to recovery.

My Daddy always said …

“…Son, when you are faced with a challenge that is not common to others, don’t seek the advice of those who haven’t been there. Find those who have, and who have come out on top.”

In 2000, my father had already been with God in Heaven for 14 years. In 2000, I faced the biggest challenge in my life when I learned that my 13 year old daughter had attempted suicide …. When I was told that she was okay physically, but mentally, she suffered from Bipolar Disorder.

After a year of anger and denial, my father’s words of advice surfaced. But I didn’t know anyone who was dealing with a mental illness of a child.

Then God, in His infinite patience, answered my prayer. Sitting on my desk for the past several months was an envelope with a note from Dona Constantine, then Executive Director of NAMI Orange County, telling me about NAMI’s Support network.

From Chapter 8 of “Duct Tape and WD-40 … a parent’s guide to the mysteries of a bipolar child”:

“A week or two later, I found myself walking into a room full of strangers, who, by the time introductions were made, seemed like my new best friends. Everyone there had a loved one who suffered from some form of mental disorder: Bipolar Disorder, Schizophrenia, Schizoid Affective, and a handful of other disorders I never knew existed.

“The moderator opened the meeting by reminding everyone about the rule: ‘what is said here stays here’. I can’t remember a thing about that first meeting, other than these were people who understood, and wanted to help. I felt such a sense of relief that evening. I wasn’t the only person dealing with a mentally ill family member.”

Once again, dad’s advice was paying off.

My Dad would have been 106 if he had lived this long. His birthday is next week. I think I’ll pay his grave a visit and say, “Thanks Dad. You may be gone but your words of wisdom live on.”

You, the Parent!
Yes, that means you.
I know! I didn’t know that either. Not until my best friend from high school told me so. Here’s a portion of the book that tells you more:

“A friend of mine said to me, ‘I bet you are trying to be a father to Emily like ‘Father Knows Best’? ‘Father Knows Best’ is a very old TV program. But it is what I grew up with and what I knew about how to be a parent.

“Of course I am!”

“Yup! Bet it doesn’t work, does it?”

Ouch! My friend had just hit a raw nerve.

My friend and I grew up together. We’ve known each other since 5th grade. We still live in the same town and have children who attend the same high school from which we graduated. My friend’s son is a classmate of Emily’s. That’s how he knew to ask the probing question.
My friend is an alcoholic. He seems to be managing his illness better these past couple of years. Never the less, whenever he falls off the wagon, then dries out and climbs back on; I’m one of the folks he calls. I never judge him. His illness is not something easily dealt with. I thought that we kept in touch with one another because my role was to rescue him. Now here he was rescuing me.

When he called to have lunch earlier that week, I simply assumed that he was back on the wagon after another fall. Not the case, though. He called because he knew he could help me.

“I heard about Emily’s diagnosis. I understand she is Bipolar, is that right? You know that I’m Bipolar, too, don’t you?” I seemed to recall his having mentioned that some time in the past, although I must confess that back then I wasn’t clear what that meant.

“Let me tell you what it is like growing up as a bipolar teenager in a family that was just like the “Father Knows Best”. And so began my understanding of what life must be like for my Emily.

I heard a lot that day, all of which opened my eyes. What helped the most was what he told me in terms of how to respond to Emily when she was ‘acting out’.”

Bob helped me see what no one else was able to help me see. I was a major obstacle to Emily’s recovery. Me! Her father! For Emily to have any chance at recovery, I was the one who needed to change.