Parents Blog

Posts Tagged ‘children’

“Unlike Santa, ‘Recovery’ is Real”

Friday, November 19th, 2010

Em and I spoke at our local NAMI Affiliate’s “Family to Family” class the other evening, and were blessed by each of the participants in so many ways.

For example, there was a physician in attendance as a student who, towards the end of the session, shared with all what only a few seem to know. He reminded us that a mental illness is just that, an illness. It is biological in nature, therefore, like other illnesses, it responds to appropriate treatment. The challenge we face is helping those who suffer to realize that they suffer from an illness and that they should seek treatment.

There is that “Should” word. A professional peer of mine long, long ago was fond of saying, “Thou shall not ‘should’ on others”. Unless someone is asking for your opinion and they trust you, the word “should” usually results in either a defensive reaction or “shutting down”.

I love the book, “I’m not sick, I don’t need help”, by Xavier Amador. The title alone defines the problem that those of us who love someone who suffers from a mental illness face in total frustration. How do you break through their defensive reaction, or total shut down?

When my daughter, Emily, had her first diagnoses, Bipolar Disorder Rapid Cycle, she was prescribed a number of different psychotropic meds. My reaction? Great! We know what the problem is and the pills will take care of the problem. It took me a year before I was willing to admit that my behavior, as her father, was keeping her from her path to recovery. My behavior more often than not, caused her to shut down. On occasion, she would rise in defiance. The net result was that I was blocking her road to recovery.

But that is another story. It was impossible for me to realize my behavior was having such a negative impact upon Em’s recovery because I didn’t understand the complexities of all that’s involved in someone’s recovery. NAMI’s Family to Family course was the course that opened my eyes.

I assume that if you are reading this, you most likely have a loved one who suffers from a mental illness. If you are a parent, like me, I encourage you to go to NAMI.org to learn more about “Family to Family”. You’ll never solve the problem until you understand the root cause. You’ll never understand the root cause unless you take that first step, seeking the help you need. Once you take that step and begin to understand, then, and only then will you be able to start your own journey on becoming the kind of father your child needs you to be.

Stop looking at the reality of your current family situation and begin to imagine what you want it to be. In my case, my vision was “living in an emotionally safe home to which my family could return at the end of each day in peace and joy.” NAMI’s Family to Family course helped me see the way that vision could become closer to reality.

What are you waiting for? www.nami.org/

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A Tribute to Mothers … the night I cried

Friday, May 7th, 2010

I cried that night!

In the mail that morning was an envelope from my mother with only one item inside … her business card. Mom was an artist and had her own “Little Studio” where she taught many a folk the fine art of creating art. Mom taught me many things, but I never caught on to the “art” thing.

It had been more than four weeks since I was held back in my quest to earn my commission as a Naval Flight Officer. I was attending the Naval Aviation Officer Candidate School at Naval Air Station Pensacola, Florida. I could do everything they demanded of me except for 5 chin ups. I passed all the course work required. They even passed me in my understanding of “military barring” … which was a stretch for me.

It was the physical fitness requirements that were my greatest challenge. I had accomplished everything … the obstacle course and “Dipsty Dumpster” included. If you have seen “An Officer and a Gentleman” starring Richard Gere and Debra Wenger, you know what I mean by the “Dipsty Dumpster” and obstacle course. I did it all …. Except for those 5 stupid chin ups.

I remember the first day we were benchmarked on our physical abilities. My Drill Instructor stuck his baton into my belly like he was taking a measurement of my fat. “You might as well quite now, Brown. Fat Bodies like you always DOR (Drop on Request). He achieved his goal. He lit a fire in me that I had never experienced before. I’d be damned if I was going to quit. My Daddy wouldn’t be proud of me if I did.

I stepped up to the chin up bar, jumped and grabbed hold. “Begin!” my DI demanded. “Begin?” I responded. “I’m finished!” I couldn’t do one chin up.

Ten weeks later, I could do two chin ups. The requirement was five. Had it not been for the Viet Nam war and the Navy’s need for aviators, they would have washed me out then and there. But, no! They put me on a PT hold. I was restricted to the barracks, only allowed to go to the gym to work out and to the mess hall to eat.
Week after week for four weeks, that was my life. I could now do three.

Then I opened the envelope my mother had sent in the mail. Inside was her business card, as I said before. On the back of the card, she had written:

Lord, grant me the courage to change that which can be changed;
Serenity to accept that which cannot be changed;
And Wisdom to know one from the other.

I need to openly admit to you that I was not a man of great faith at that point in life. I did enjoy Sunday morning church services because that was the only place the Drill Instructors would not shout at you. Other than that, a strong faith would have been a great hindrance to the life style of a Naval Aviator that I wanted so badly.

I was finally in a place in life where failure was indeed a possibility. I sat on my bunk and read that prayer … I didn’t even know it was the “Serenity Prayer” … and had a conversation with God. I asked Him why me? Why can’t I do these stupid chin ups?

I felt a certain peace that I had never felt before. I left my bunk and went to the head (the bathroom for you non Navy types). There were sturdy bars in the shower stalls that everyone used for chin up exercises. I jumped and grabbed hold of the bar and preceded to do six chin ups. Yes, I said SIX.

I immediately ran to the Duty Office to report my success. My DI said, “Show me”. Back we went to the head. I did the mandatory five. He looked at me and said, “Do it again!” With a deep breath, I jumped, grabbed, and squeaked out five more chin ups. That was a total of 16 within just a few minutes, thanks be to God and adrenalin.

I went out on liberty that night to celebrate my success. Later that same night I lay in my bunk and I cried. I had already gone back on my promise to God … as I have done time and again most of my life.

My mother had influenced my life a thousand miles away. She knew I was depressed because I couldn’t do five chin ups. I later learned that she and dad were secretly hoping that I would wash out, thereby not having to go to war. But they never said that. She just sent me that prayer. I guess her prayers were answered because I never went to war … but that’s another story.

Mothers are like that! They profoundly influence our lives asking little in return. Please remember your mother this weekend.

Not too long ago I learned that one of my daughters was experiencing one of the biggest challenges of her life. I didn’t know what to say or do. Then I thought of my mother. I did what my mother did and sent my daughter the “Serenity Prayer” on the back of my business card. A few days later she called to say thanks. She put it in her wallet which is the same place I put my mom’s card, forty years ago. It’s still there today.

Thanks Mom! I miss you dearly, but am reminded of your gentleness everyday by the art work throughout our home.

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How Do You Grow an Elephant in the Living Room?

Friday, April 23rd, 2010

My dad and I would sit around the camp fire and talk about life. As he came closer to the end of his life, our conversations took on issues of regret. He spoke one night about regretting his decision to not go into real estate sales, like his chief financial officer had after fire destroyed their business. Dad chose to rebuild the business, yet never made the money that his CFO went on to make in life selling real estate.

Then, at age 81, he said he regretted that decision.

“Why?” I asked. “Didn’t you enjoy your business?” “It’s all that I knew. Yes, I enjoyed my work!” he said.
“Think of it this way, dad. You and mom overcame a huge obstacle in your efforts to rebuild the business after the fire. You never quit. You did what you had to do, and you survived. Do you have any idea how that effort on your part has impacted my life? Quit? Me? Never! You didn’t quit, nor will I.”

He smiled. He had a tear or two in his eyes. Conversation moved on to other less serious matters. We were closer after that night … yet still not close enough.

My dad passed on a couple of years later, in 1986. He lived long enough to enjoy his seeing first granddaughter from my marriage, Emily. He passed away the day after she was baptized as an infant. What causes me to sometimes be sad today are the things we never talked about. Ahh, yes, the unanswered questions in life.

The unanswered questions are the elephants in the living room. You both know what the question is. Neither one of you has the courage to bring it up. It’s easier to pretend it never happened.

My dad went to court when I was in college to fight someone who was attempting to black mail him. He was caught on camera in, let’s just say, a comprising position. He had broken one of the “Big 10”, big time. He was set up, and taken down. But, just like the fire, you couldn’t keep my dad down. Mom, to her credit, stood by his side when she had every right to walk out. Together, they won, and left the court with heads held high.

It was one of those things that I had often thought about yet never had the courage to ask about. Dad, of course, never mentioned it either. My question would have been “Why?” Why would my dad let himself be put in such a situation in the first place?

Well, now I know. There’s a lot of truth to the statement that “an apple doesn’t fall to far from the tree.” Years later, long after my dad died, I found myself in a “comprising position” too. Those who know me well know what I’m talking about. Those who don’t know me, I’m content to let you use your imagination. All I will say is that now, more than a year later, I remain profoundly ashamed of my behavior. If it wasn’t for my ever increasing faith in Christ, I don’t know how I would have survived. Confession and repentance are powerful healing forces. God’s love shines brightly in the eyes of those who love you the most when they extend their forgiveness too.

Unlike my dad, I have started to talk about my indiscretions with both of my daughters. I do not want that to be the elephant in the living room that dies the day that I die without any answers. It is not easy bring up subjects of the past that created great pain in your children’s lives. But there are cycles in life that if ignored, will continue on generation after generation.

I’m beginning to see my own behaviors (I’m not talking the ‘Big 10’ rules here, just the recklessness of the age in question) being repeated in my daughters’ lives. It’s like watching a movie of my own life when I was 20 something. My hope is that through open dialog I can help them not do the “elephant in the living room” thing in their life time. More than that, I want them to experience the same healing I have found through confession and repentance.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not blaming my sins on my father’s because we never talked about it. I’m simply saying that those things my dad and I did talk about were healing for both of us. I need to do for my daughters what my dad did for me. Over time, I hope I can provide a sense of healing for my daughters and me as we all grow older together … before “game over”.

So what’s this to you? What “elephants in the living room” are you ignoring with your children? Don’t let the clock run out before you have that conversation. You, too, can break the cycle, with God’s healing help.

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A Proud Daddy

Thursday, October 22nd, 2009

Emily and I keynoted NAMI North Carolina’s Annual Conference last week. We have been doing these presentations since 2004. Every time we do, I never know what Emily will say. What I do know, I’m always pleasantly surprised, no matter what she says.

We had our preconference preparation meeting a few days before we left for Raleigh, NC. I gave Em a couple of ideas, not as her father, but as her public speaking coach. She took those ideas to heart and “hit the ball out of the park”.

She used stories to illustrate her points. She had two concise messages: one for parents, and one for her peers. The feedback from the audience was immediate and extremely positive.

Don’t take my word for it. Becky Faucette from NAMI NC just wrote to say about Emily, “I know you must be so proud of her. She was so well spoken and meaningful.”

If you want to know what she said that was so powerful, why not visit her blog and ask her.

All I have to say is that I’m one proud Daddy! Thanks, Em.

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Duct Tape … a necessary tool for leadership

Thursday, October 8th, 2009

Someone once asked me to think of all the people you have worked for in life. I hate that phrase, “work for”. Those for whom I “worked for” were usually uninspiring and often boring. I worked hard at minimizing my need to be in contact with them. Tell me what you want done, then get out of my way while I do it. There was no passion, no excitement, no sense of doing something for the greater good. There simply was a job to do that didn’t seem connected to anything else.

More years ago then I care to remember, there was a very real leader in my life. This leader was not my boss. Matter of fact, this leader had nothing to do at all with the organization which employed me. This leader was the President of the Pennsylvania Jaycees. At the time, I was President of the Camp Hill Jaycees.

My interactions with this leader were few and far between. Whenever we did interact, he would speak about the future. He would paint a word picture describing what a successful chapter looks like. He helped us see how the three strategies of the US Jaycees, if used correctly, would produce great results. He inspired me to want to do great things.

Following his lead, our local chapter climbed out of the depths of the fear of losing our charter to being ranked among the top 25 chapters in the state. There was no monetary award attached to this accomplish. There was simply a compelling vision to guide us, a series of proven strategies to follow, and a never ending passion to see it through.

It was only two years later that I began my first business. My vision, my passion, helped me overcome so many obstacles in so many ways. It was this vision, and this passion that allowed me to build a business which met many goals.

But in the year 2000, my vision and passion gave way to a greater concern, that of the survival of my daughter. An attempted suicide of a teenage child will definitely blind side you, and knock you off game.

As time went on, I eventually got back on track. However, there was a new track beginning to develop. I’m still passionate about my business. But my passion for a new vision continues to grow stronger and stronger every day.

What is this new vision? More than anything, I want to work with people who are faced with the unpredictable and often frustrating behaviors of a loved one who suffers from a mental illness. I want to help them to:

• Accept that their loved one suffers from a mental illness.

• Understand that a mental illness, like other illnesses, is treatable.

• Believe that there is hope for recovery.

• Realize that they can make a difference in that recovery.

• Want to learn what it is they can do to help.

What does Duct Tape have to do with this? What does Duct Tape have to do with leadership?

I use duct tape every day. Every day, I read my vision statement. Every day, I focus! Every day, I reflect. What am I doing that is working, for those are the things I want to be sure to continue. What am I doing that is not working? These are the things I need to stop doing. What is something new, something that I haven’t tried before but might work?

If I ever expect others to follow me, I better have a pretty clear vision of where I’m headed. A daily dose of Duct Tape guarantees just that.

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If it moves and it shouldn’t …

Friday, August 28th, 2009

That’s right! Use Duct Tape.

So here’s a question to people of faith? If you are reading this, I assume you have had your life turned upside down due to the sudden changes of behavior in a child you love. Your child’s behaviors tend to be high risk and dangerous. Logic has failed you. For the life of you, you cannot understand why your child is doing/saying some of the things they do or say.

Then they cross a line: they have become either a danger to themselves or to others. You find yourself being dragged, kicking and screaming, into the world of mental health services. Your child has been hospitalized in a psychiatric hospital. Your life will never be the same.

You enter into the strange world of denial. This can’t be happening to my daughter. She’s taking meds that will make her better. My job is to hold her accountable: chores at home, grades at school, to name a couple. But that doesn’t work, does it?

Anger begins to creep into your everyday life. You’re angry with your daughter, with her school, with her mother, with your extended family that seems to visit or call less often. Your anger slips into depression. You seek to comfort yourself with alcohol or substance abuse. You are desperate.

You are angry with your church for they say nothing. What happened to all the cards? … Meals? …Visits?…when cancer stuck its ugly head into the life of your family just a few years ago?

If you are a person of faith, you find yourself sitting in church surrounded with life as it should be… and you become angry with God. Why me, God? You soon begin avoiding the very place that once gave you such comfort. Your life is totally upside down.

So, what moved? Better yet, who moved? You did. And you feel justified in doing so. IF the church doesn’t care, I don’t care! And God? What evidence is there that He cares?

In hindsight, it is such a predictable path we follow. The sad thing is that some of us never realize that it is a path to self destruction.
It’s amazing what hell we will put ourselves through before we fall to our knees and call out for help. When we do, we are surprised to find out that He was there all along. We had moved! God did not.

So how can you use Duct Tape to heal your anger with God? Follow His first great commandment: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ Matthew 22:37

Someone challenged me! “ If you claim that God is the most important entity in your life, don’t you think you should be talking with God and not ignoring him?” As I wrote earlier this week, how can you help if all you do is fight? Ignoring God is a passive form of aggression. It doesn’t work, does it?

The day I got on my knees before God was the day I began to use Duct Tape: to talk with Him each and every day in focused reflective prayer. It was the beginning of the end of pain for me. It was the day I began to acknowledge my own role in my daughter’s acting out: she was afraid of me. How could I help her when she feared me? It was the day that I finally acknowledged that my daughter suffered from a mental illness: Bipolar Disorder. It was the day that I discovered a new hope: her recovery. It was the day I began to search openly for answers. It was the day that miracles began to happen in my life.

If it moves, and shouldn’t … use Duct Tape. You can read the whole story in my book, Duct Tape and WD 40 … a parent’s guide to the mysteries of a bipolar child”.

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How Can You Help if All You Do is Fight?

Wednesday, August 19th, 2009

“I can’t believe she did that after I told her time and again not to do that!” That about summarizes so many conversations I’ve had with parents of children who suffer from a mental illness.

“So what did you do in response to her defiance?” I ask. “I grounded her for a month!!!” Yeah, like that’s going to work!

Then I ask the famous Dr. Phil question: “How’s that working out for you?” “I don’t know. She’s not talking to me! All she does is hide in her room spending time on her computer.”

Can you ever affectively reach out and help someone when they hide from you? As my Daddy always said, “seems to me you are cutting off your nose to spite your face!”

Ask yourself the question, “who is the grown up here?” “Who has the greater ability at managing their own behavior?”

Expecting a child who suffers from a mental illness to stop acting out is like expecting someone with laryngitis to speak louder. It’s impossible! The illness rules, not the parent.

My faith tells me that I have a loving Father. All too frequently He may not know that I love Him because of the way I behave. But every time I acknowledge the error of my ways, ask for forgiveness, and then truly repent, I feel His Grace. The same works in all loving relationships. Acknowledge your own aberrant behavior and how hurtful it was. Commit to trying to not behave that way again. Ask for their forgiveness. Offer a hug to close the deal.

Easy to say … seemingly impossible to do … unless you learn to manage your own anger. Rather than screaming, go for a long walk by yourself. Do what you have to do to help calm down. After you calm down and your loved one calms down, seek to understand what just happened from their perspective, not yours. People eventually will stop fighting back when you stop yelling, and you start asking.

When Em was in the early stages of her Bipolar Disorder, I yelled a lot. Then I learned a new way to communicate. First, it required a long walk on my part. When I got back from my long walk, I use to say to Emily, “Em, my brain doesn’t work like yours. I would never have done what you just did. Help me understand! Teach me what it’s like to be bipolar.” We’d have a much calmer conversation. I would listen to learn. The more I learned, the more I was able to help. That’s what Duct Tape and WD-40 is all about.

I would love to know what works for you! You can share your thoughts here or drop me an email at david.brown@ducttapeandwd40.com.

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