“I can’t believe she did that after I told her time and again not to do that!” That about summarizes so many conversations I’ve had with parents of children who suffer from a mental illness.
“So what did you do in response to her defiance?” I ask. “I grounded her for a month!!!” Yeah, like that’s going to work!
Then I ask the famous Dr. Phil question: “How’s that working out for you?” “I don’t know. She’s not talking to me! All she does is hide in her room spending time on her computer.”
Can you ever affectively reach out and help someone when they hide from you? As my Daddy always said, “seems to me you are cutting off your nose to spite your face!”
Ask yourself the question, “who is the grown up here?” “Who has the greater ability at managing their own behavior?”
Expecting a child who suffers from a mental illness to stop acting out is like expecting someone with laryngitis to speak louder. It’s impossible! The illness rules, not the parent.
My faith tells me that I have a loving Father. All too frequently He may not know that I love Him because of the way I behave. But every time I acknowledge the error of my ways, ask for forgiveness, and then truly repent, I feel His Grace. The same works in all loving relationships. Acknowledge your own aberrant behavior and how hurtful it was. Commit to trying to not behave that way again. Ask for their forgiveness. Offer a hug to close the deal.
Easy to say … seemingly impossible to do … unless you learn to manage your own anger. Rather than screaming, go for a long walk by yourself. Do what you have to do to help calm down. After you calm down and your loved one calms down, seek to understand what just happened from their perspective, not yours. People eventually will stop fighting back when you stop yelling, and you start asking.
When Em was in the early stages of her Bipolar Disorder, I yelled a lot. Then I learned a new way to communicate. First, it required a long walk on my part. When I got back from my long walk, I use to say to Emily, “Em, my brain doesn’t work like yours. I would never have done what you just did. Help me understand! Teach me what it’s like to be bipolar.” We’d have a much calmer conversation. I would listen to learn. The more I learned, the more I was able to help. That’s what Duct Tape and WD-40 is all about.
I would love to know what works for you! You can share your thoughts here or drop me an email at david.brown@ducttapeandwd40.com.
