My dad and I would sit around the camp fire and talk about life. As he came closer to the end of his life, our conversations took on issues of regret. He spoke one night about regretting his decision to not go into real estate sales, like his chief financial officer had after fire destroyed their business. Dad chose to rebuild the business, yet never made the money that his CFO went on to make in life selling real estate.
Then, at age 81, he said he regretted that decision.
“Why?” I asked. “Didn’t you enjoy your business?” “It’s all that I knew. Yes, I enjoyed my work!” he said.
“Think of it this way, dad. You and mom overcame a huge obstacle in your efforts to rebuild the business after the fire. You never quit. You did what you had to do, and you survived. Do you have any idea how that effort on your part has impacted my life? Quit? Me? Never! You didn’t quit, nor will I.”
He smiled. He had a tear or two in his eyes. Conversation moved on to other less serious matters. We were closer after that night … yet still not close enough.
My dad passed on a couple of years later, in 1986. He lived long enough to enjoy his seeing first granddaughter from my marriage, Emily. He passed away the day after she was baptized as an infant. What causes me to sometimes be sad today are the things we never talked about. Ahh, yes, the unanswered questions in life.
The unanswered questions are the elephants in the living room. You both know what the question is. Neither one of you has the courage to bring it up. It’s easier to pretend it never happened.
My dad went to court when I was in college to fight someone who was attempting to black mail him. He was caught on camera in, let’s just say, a comprising position. He had broken one of the “Big 10”, big time. He was set up, and taken down. But, just like the fire, you couldn’t keep my dad down. Mom, to her credit, stood by his side when she had every right to walk out. Together, they won, and left the court with heads held high.
It was one of those things that I had often thought about yet never had the courage to ask about. Dad, of course, never mentioned it either. My question would have been “Why?” Why would my dad let himself be put in such a situation in the first place?
Well, now I know. There’s a lot of truth to the statement that “an apple doesn’t fall to far from the tree.” Years later, long after my dad died, I found myself in a “comprising position” too. Those who know me well know what I’m talking about. Those who don’t know me, I’m content to let you use your imagination. All I will say is that now, more than a year later, I remain profoundly ashamed of my behavior. If it wasn’t for my ever increasing faith in Christ, I don’t know how I would have survived. Confession and repentance are powerful healing forces. God’s love shines brightly in the eyes of those who love you the most when they extend their forgiveness too.
Unlike my dad, I have started to talk about my indiscretions with both of my daughters. I do not want that to be the elephant in the living room that dies the day that I die without any answers. It is not easy bring up subjects of the past that created great pain in your children’s lives. But there are cycles in life that if ignored, will continue on generation after generation.
I’m beginning to see my own behaviors (I’m not talking the ‘Big 10’ rules here, just the recklessness of the age in question) being repeated in my daughters’ lives. It’s like watching a movie of my own life when I was 20 something. My hope is that through open dialog I can help them not do the “elephant in the living room” thing in their life time. More than that, I want them to experience the same healing I have found through confession and repentance.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not blaming my sins on my father’s because we never talked about it. I’m simply saying that those things my dad and I did talk about were healing for both of us. I need to do for my daughters what my dad did for me. Over time, I hope I can provide a sense of healing for my daughters and me as we all grow older together … before “game over”.
So what’s this to you? What “elephants in the living room” are you ignoring with your children? Don’t let the clock run out before you have that conversation. You, too, can break the cycle, with God’s healing help.
